Franny and Zooey

The Secret Life of Bees - Sue Monk Kidd

The narrator of this story, Lily Owens, shares a variety of issues that I can't really relate to. Being the only white girl in a black household. Having an abusive and distant father. Helping someone break out of jail. Beekeeping. It's all interesting stuff, but I can't say that I have experienced it or am part of a world that has this stuff happen. What I did relate to however was the guilt Lily carried around, mostly subconsciously that was seen through her thought processes when she discussed her mother. The guilt of being the one to ruin someone else's life, to have your existence be the very reason why someone else's life is changed. Whether or not it was a warranted way of thinking, I liked how the author realized that at age 14, that's probably how a young girl is going to think given the facts Lily had from her family's past. Thinking that she did it. It's all her fault. That she ruined it. I remember being that age and feeling like it was my fault that my mother wasn't happy, that it was because of me that we were poor, that we couldn't live a normal life, all because she had to ensure my existence in the world. It felt like a heavy weight being carried around all the time. How hard was it to be happy and carefree while knowing that I was the cause for someone's unhappiness and struggle? The simplicity of childhood is sometimes so deceiving.

There is a sharp, pulsating pain shooting up and down my left leg for some strange reason. With my education in physical and biological science ending at the end of high school, I like to this that this pain is caused by excess sugar blockage, ingested hours before at a ritualistic Starbucks gathering. See, the body could not take the sugars, and now my veins are paying for it as the indigestible sugar cubes are stumbling their way through the body, and me feeling every second of it. It's a miracle my veins do not pop. And it is my gift to society that I did not go pre-med.

These past few days have been so historic, yet contradicting. We have the first African American president, and yet Proposition 8 taking away the legality of gay marriage passes in what is one of the most blue states in America. YET, although the state is not ready for gay marriage, it is ready for people to undergo abortions without parental notification. My current personal political alignment would have been best suited if all three were left leaning, and undoubtedly was very surprised when the results were not 3 for 3.

6.7 Billion

The most recent report of the world population is 6.7 billion (6,700,000,000). That's 6.7 billion stories, each with a different take on the same world we share. It is 6.7 billion different ways to live a life.

To me, it is such a big number, and to think that right now as I blog comfortably in my heated two story home while others can be fetching water for their grass hut tribe kind of makes me stop and wonder about the distances people can be from another. Physical distance yes, but also world view and thought. Stuff I currently care about, the unsolved and ongoing conflict between selfish desires and familial responsibility; is it just an imaginary battle I have concocted in my mind? I'm not stupid. I understand the importance of stepping out, fulfilling the basics, building a future. I get it. Despite the plethora of compelling arguments for settling down and "getting serious," I cant help but wonder. Is it okay to look for answers, journey to far ends of the Earth if need be (literally and figuratively speaking), driven by in my opinion the selfish motive of personal self discovery, a quest to find some of the answers that keep me up at night? Or continue wondering, and always wondering, until I become tired and old and let the questions die. And would dying for a living then, be what a person needs to do to make it? I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, my answer may be hidden somewhere in the stories of some of the 6.7 billion people. There has got to be something more to this life.

The print out by the air con

Posted in the classroom next to the aircon where I teach my afternoon class is a print out "Today is the first day of the rest of my life." And everyday when the kids shout "Ms. Teresa!! It's so hot in here!!" and when I go to turn on the air con, I pass by that print out. It's actually a very long paragraph about how people should spend their time wisely, that they should use the day they were given to the fullest, and how when it's over, its really over, or something along the lines of that. It's good it had a decent opener.

Every day when I pass by that print out and read those words, I can't help but wonder. Although it's been mentioned by many that they see me here, I still have a hard time coming completely to terms with really being, here. Here as in moved back home, spending afternoons in a classroom full of rambunctious 4th graders, being engulfed by the smell of crayons, and happy children books, with my mind occupied with the next days lesson plan. Sometimes, I wonder if the government budget cuts will eventually trickle down to cutting me, and then if not, I wonder if they will get around to paying its employees the fair amount. Mostly however, I wonder if this life is for me, right now.

So much has changed. I feel like I reached the point where idealism failed to stop the fall and instead I was caught by Starbucks, multiple meetings, time sheets, and parent conferences. Being bi-lingual is useless when neither of the two languages are Spanish, lesson plans on paraphrasing are put to waste if kids can't even read, and creative writing is shot when they write about wanting to "join a gagn, do badthgis, and drank."

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. The question now is what happens now. And never mind me, what is going to happen to the kids? In 10 years, they will be 20. 10 short years. There is so much I want to tell them. Transfer schools. Make better friends. Stop putting crap in your stomachs. Try to learn something. Don't think your life sucks. Today is the first day for the rest of their lives too.

An early Christmas present to myself:

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, by J.K Rowling

A Streetcar Named Desire, by Tennessee Williams

The Sun Also Rises, by Earnest Hemingway

The Giver, by Lois Lowry

Eats, Shoots, and Leaves, by Lynne Truss

A Prayer for Owen Meany, by John Irving

The Kite Runner, by Khaled Hosseini

This Side of Paradise, by F. Scott Fitzgerald

The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho

Franny and Zooey, by J.D Salinger

The Secret Life of Bees, by Sue Monk Kidd


Thank God for Half.com!

Beatrice shivered as a gust of wind seeped through the door cracks.

"Brrr. I c-c-can't feel m-my hands or f-f-face."

She threw the last piece of wood into the dwindling fire. The wood caused the fire to crackle and blaze, sending out a burst of warmth throughout her small log cabin in the woods.

"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, no one but ourselves can free our minds."- Bob Marley

Low Standards

It is not okay for teachers to assign 3 out of 40 math problems on a page for homework. It is not okay for parents to barge into a classroom to get their kid for Pop Warner practice while an authority figure is standing in front of the room teaching. It is not okay to think that by forced "reading" 30 minutes a day, you will get a student to become a great reader. It is not okay for parent to think that the school will cure all their child's behavioral problems. It is not okay to not know how to spell "fruit" by the time you are 10 years old. It is not okay to learn science just from a textbook. It is not okay to take an hour to write three sentences. It is not okay to teach a kid algebra when he/she can't even add yet. It is not okay to keep on telling kids they are doing great when in reality they are failing by all standards. It is not okay for parents to take the easy way out and buy their kids stuff to shut them up. It is not okay to use the television as a replacement for family time. It is not okay to use the fact that it is Friday as an excuse to not assign a child homework for the weekend. It is not okay to fail to foster a sense of respect for elders at this early age.

Oh the places you'll go

Men doing the Asian squat on Denshemen?Dongshemen? Dajie (big street) in Beijing, China.

A good memory

The girls at the pool celebrating Becky's 22nd birthday

My summer job site

A pavilion above a pond in a traditional Chinese garden at the Former Furen University, Xicheng District, Beijing, China

questions

At various points in this game of Life, milestones were properly marked and significant events are rightfully recognized. An awkward junior high dance, a 16th birthday, a first drivers license, the immigration stamps in a passport, a cap and gown, and the first legal alcoholic drink are just the tip of the iceberg's plethora of important rites of passage.

As we maneuver through this board game, I wonder where we will all end up as our final placement. How many hundreds of miles will we travel? What mountains will we tackle and which ones will we be resigned to leave to the next generation to take on? Whose dreams will be turned into reality? And whose dreams and goals will fade into oblivion? Some big questions indeed.

Goodbye college. Gone are the days when picking a major was the biggest decision of the hour. So long, late nights and inconsequential late mornings. If you don't know how to eat right and do laundry by now, you're in trouble. Dormitories of friends, you'll be missed. Random adventures and rich tradition, I hope our paths will cross again someday.

I've spent 3 years in my major learning about various facets of human social organization and interaction. Interesting, interesting years. Poverty, class stratification, social capital, white privilege, power, gender norms, organizational behavior, tracking, deviance theories...yup, covered it at some point. Not only did sociology provide some answers to the questions I had asked prior, but it helped cultivate this way of seeing situations as being socially constructed- a disputed idea but interesting nonetheless.

This being said, I don't think my particular major was entirely useful for providing me solutions to how a person should live a life. Nor did all the preaching about fairness really induce fairness both in greater society I observed and my life personally. How should one find a balance between being selfish and selfless? Individual desire and family obligation? Settling and, well, not settling? Compromising and being unreasonable? Where should the balance be between idealistic to the point where nothing of substance can be accomplished, and being practical to the point where it's not backed with any passion?

The Great Wall of China

Suburban Insanity

Little patches of grass being trimmed weekly in front of all the perfectly color coordinated homes. Is this even natural? The perfect shrubs, the fresh paint, the re-tarred road, the lone community pool with the first Fall leaf floating serenely on its surface. A light breeze plays with the hanging wind chimes, sending melancholy notes into the quiet...quiet, because it can't be anything but that. The symmetrical living. The same furniture set, masqueraded as unique. Cereal sitting on top of the fridge, a sink and a dishwasher, 2.5 baths. It's all very nice. In the morning the old people come out to walk a path that while deceivingly new, is the same path walked for years and years. But you would never be able to tell, because in suburbia nothing ever gets old. Windows with a crack from a baseball get replaced, dirtied walls from history become repainted, and the sidewalks are cleared of any trace of tarnish by the sprinklers that water the Earth every morning at 5am. Slowly, slowly, the water spurts out in jet stream mode, and for a second in the darkness the leaves are wet and bent and perfection is ruined. Dear God perfection is ruined. But never to fear, by sunrise, Suburbia will have restored everything to back to it rightful dry place. But if you take a walk, which in Suburbia only happens with the very old and very young, you might smell the sweet smell of fresh 5am water.

Fall and opportunity costs

To say Fall season in southern California is my favorite time of year causes some to question my taste in season picking. It would be more appropriate to have, let's say, Summer or Spring as a favorite for obvious reasons as the blue sky, nice flowers, a good holiday like the 4th of July, what else, oh- the beaches. Fall in southern California? Compared to other parts of the United States, it can be bland, a lame change in weather or scenery, and besides, the one good holiday in Fall doesn't even give a day off.

For me, however, Fall season possesses certain qualities that no other time of year can come close to attaining. Fall, for me, is a new chunky knit sweater and a cup of hot chocolate with cinnamon powder. The air smells and feels of new beginnings, but also reunification with old tradition. Fall is a sole ray of light shining through French windows while acoustic guitar is playing in the background. Red, brown, orange, mixed with smooth black, gray, and even some touches of navy blue are my color picks for a southern California Fall. The wind starts to become chilly, and for the first time goosebumps surface on skin without the aid of air conditioning. The mood is happy, but can quickly turn melancholy or even solemn.

And this Fall in southern California is particularly special because not only will it be the first one for me in four years. I expect it to be good, because history suggests that it usually is pretty good.

One thing that has been on my mind lately is the idea of opportunity costs. There was always an opportunity cost in decision making, regarding the loss of benefits from not choosing the next best possible option. It seems like the "older" we get, the higher the stakes become in this game of life we engage in to play. I remember there was a time not long ago when choosing which math class to take was considered a tough decision (i.e Advanced Placement Calculus= better shot at college admittance, Statistics = a cop out move but a happier senior year). I ultimately chose Statistics, don't judge.

That was five years ago. Now, like switching regular restaurants, a whole new array of dining options are being presented. The waiter comes and presents to menu, and it all looks great because I am starving. Which one to choose? Which one to choose? Go with the steak- a tasty and filling option- but have no room for ice cream later? Or go with the salad- light and refreshing- but be hungry again two hours later? Maybe the best option is the pasta- it's somewhere in the middle in both satisfaction and pricing- yeah, that one looks alright. But it's only...alright.


Now, take away the restaurant and replace it with words like "responsible adult, building equity, starting a career, professional school, traveling abroad, job satisfaction, stability, success, failure, happiness, networking, finding yourself, financial security, work/life balance, money, fun, youth, savings, loans, familial piety, and college nostalgia." You get the menu options for a typical new grad. And nothing I have chosen on that menu so far has came without an opportunity cost.

By choosing to go work in China for the summer, I was choosing to celebrate youth. Freedom to be young and happy, to see the world in a way that anyone older probably couldn't. It was a great feeling to decide to go to China and then make it happen. I had intense job satisfaction because it was fun, there was definitely a work life balance in order, I did a fair amount of soul searching, and afterward I was able to travel abroad, go to the Olympics, see new places and revisit old ones. It felt damn good to wake up and remember that I was in a place I wanted to be at.

But also by choosing to go to China and travel, I had also given up the ability to achieve a multitude of things such as stability, money, savings, familiar community, familial piety. And then somewhere along the line, I think this was in Singapore, the marginal benefit of traveling, youth, and being carefree wasn't enough to make up for the losses incurred from the aforementioned things I had not been attaining while in Asia.

So then came the flight back home, the enrolling in an lsat prep course, and the eventual submitting of the resumes for jobs. You gain some, you lose some. Gain security and responsible adult reasoning, lose (what I feel is) spontaneity and memorable adventures. Gain: knowing what your doing with viable goals and plans, Lose: the possibility of really knowing what you're meant to do? Questionable. Gain: a life? Lose: living it?

Hello teammates and friends of the team,

As you all know, tomorrow night at 11pm we are convening to play in what may be our last broomball game of our pre-college graduation lives. Many of you may be thinking the question that plagues the human condition, "so what?"

For as long as anyone could recall, Broomball is a tradition that is in the hearts of many around the world. In the East Coast, it is so intense there that intramural teams have ferocious players recruited from the remote parts of Russia and the North Pole.

Then in 2005, our teammate Karen Douglas had the brilliance and foresight to bring this amazing sport into our home turf. Little did she know, what began as a nice event for an 18th birthday party escalated into something greater and beyond all of us. I like to think it was the way the moon aligned with the stars, but whatever it was, our lives were forever changed on that fateful night. Could any of us have foreshadowed what was to come? I think not. But the fact of the matter was, we became more than sons and daughters, more than students, more than typical faces of American suburbia....we became teammates of one of the greatest movements ever to grace the Norwalk Ice Arena and the world.

I am writing to commend you all for your great work you have contributed in blood, sweat, and tears for the cause of our team. During our college careers, we have fought hard through and through. Though there were bouts of anger and tears from heartbreak, there were also times of elation and joy, as our team came together. Together, came through with two beautiful wins that were recorded in the books as some of the most epic battles of our time. Amazing.

As this will be the 5th and perhaps last broomball game, it is also coincidentally the tiebreaker. That being said, the importance of tomorrow night's game is incredible beyond words. How do we want to be remembered in history? The choice is up to us. Every time we have put nothing but our best, and I am so proud of each of you for that. But sometimes, our best is not good enough. Tomorrow night, we must bring more than our best, and several of us have taken an initiative to ensure that, and I will now share with you. As a passionate believer of our team, I will be asking for several things for tomorrow night, with the most imperative being trust.

Trust that your offensive/defensive strategists have the best interests of the team in them, and trust that the strategy and placements we have drafted will lead the team to victory. We analyzed each of your strengths have given each of you a special role on the team.

Trust that your spirit coordinator and HR senior analysts (Becky & Karen) have a plan to keep our morale high. As so many great teams in the past have fallen due to low spirits and lack of unity within the team, we are so lucky to have these two lead us.

Tomorrow night, I am asking you to trust, learn quickly, and execute. It doesn't matter whether you are a player or a supporter from the side. Together, we can create a story that will be told for generations to come.

Tomorrow night, let us make history.

Always,
Teresa

***COME 25 MINUTES EARLY, as there will be a pre-game team meeting with motivational speeches, cheers, and a covering of the strategy we will be using.
***WEAR BLACK, as much black as you can, for team solidarity. Of course, dress warmly too.
***EAT PASTA
***PASS THIS ON to other people who will be on our team that aren't on this mailing list.

Welcome 2008!

It's the new year, and with it comes new beginnings. For me, I can honestly say that 2007 felt like passed in a heartbeat. I still remember sitting in the damp dorm room back in Singapore, the step by step events (the pit stop at NTUC, the crowded MRT ride, the wine in a can, the foam, everything) that happened on new year's night, and a whole lot of everything else that happened in the early half of last year. Of course, like a true asian tourist I have ample photos to help me with that. Still with my memory of that night this clear, it has been hard for me to believe that over 365 days have passed since then. Wow.

I remembered thinking last year around this time that it was going to be a good year. It was just this feeling I had. It was a feeling of excitement of what was to come, since there was this vast area that needed to be explored, interesting people to meet and learn from, and new memories to be made. The exact aforementioned was what happened, and maybe that was what made the latter half difficult. Difficult in the sense that I was questioning the traditions and practices that I had thought were the norm in any college life. Does this even make sense? The feeling could be described as for a brief second, I was exposed to another way my life could be. Not better, not worse, but just another way. And then here I feel like the whole world around me is like no, you're life should be like this, this is what you've wanted all along, it's the trajectory.

In 2007 I learned that promises can be broken from the most unlikely people. People who promise to write (myself included), don't and drift away. Love is gained, love is lost. Forever, sadly, doesn't always mean forever. Friends can deceive you, and surprise you with actions that hurt. Sometimes, it turns out that the mark you made on people is really not that much, and after awhile, life goes on.

But in 2007 I also learned that love doesn't have to be lost because of distance, that I can disappear for 6 months and still come home to people who have made this place home, that amazing friendships can continue after they are transplanted from one side of the ocean to another, and most importantly, that the workings of human have made it possible to create room for new relationships to grow. And all these are very comforting to know.

That being said, I think that 2008 will be a blast. I don't think it will be easy, and I can predict much confusion, frustration, and apprehension when push comes to shove and I am forced to make amends with my aspirations and reality. Actually, I think it will be a difficult year, but whoever said difficult can't be fun and an exciting ride?