Part 2: where poop hits the fan
K would probably argue differently, but from my perspective, these are the reasons as to why I feel she is an ineffective leader.
1. Insincerity. Preaching ideals, forming ideas, making promises and not following through on multiple occasions will lead to people viewing you as an insincere person. With insincerity comes a lack of trust. A lack of trust will lead to you not being taken as serious as you would probably desire. Simple as that.
2. Inability to genuinely take constructive criticism. When your subordinates are honest and in multiple occasions, suggest (similar) solutions to (the same) problems, it isn't a threat or meant to insult you. It's just business in how things get done and improved. It isn't a time to come up with a rebuttal defending yourself.
3. Selfishness. It's more than fine to ask a lot from your subordinates, as long as you treat them with respect and give due gratitude where it is deserved. Asking your subordinates to do more than their job requirements to make you look good, and then treating them with coldness, that's taking a lot without giving anything back. That's being selfish. And no, a meal isn't a substitute for genuine gratitude. Saying we are all "one team" when things are going well, and then blaming everyone individually when things are bad, that is being selfish. Delegating responsibility that should ultimately be with you and blaming us for not doing it is selfish, and stupid.
When I think of K, I feel frustrated, sad, and angry. I feel frustrated when I think of all the things that could have been this year for the program, but wasn't due to our disinclination towards working together. I feel sad and disappointed that two otherwise nice people choose to show their ugly sides to each other instead of helping each other grow and learn. I also feel angry, both at K and ultimately myself, for letting a part-time job at a elementary school generate this much strife.
K would probably, and accurately, argue that there is a big missing piece to the puzzle. Where are my faults? What about MY laundry list of professional no-no's and K's list of grievances of my displeasing actions for the year? There is a lot to be sure.
And to be fair, there have been many a time when K has exhibited some very redeeming qualities and has been so helpful. But I'll have to save this for the final letter to her.
In the mess that is the relationship with me and K, I think the only thing left to do is forgive, learn, and move on. Forgive her and the multitude of ways this past year I feel she did wrong. Forgive myself for allowing myself to get entangled up in this silly mess. I can confidently say that come 6pm June 17th, K and I will go our separate ways forever.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Lampton Elementary: On forgiveness, part 1
I don't know how to open this or end this long winded dense mess. All I know is that I have to forgive my boss, K.
Part 1: The backdrop
K and I have a fairly strained relationship. Funny thing is, in actuality, there isn't even that much time to strain the relationship. But in the little time we have together, it's evident. It's in how K never looks me in the eye, or really at all, when we have meetings. It's in how K never says hello or goodbye (unless I initiate it) when we arrive and depart from work, or asks how I'm doing or how the weekend was. It's in how we can walk down an entire school corridor together without exchanging a word. It's in how we can be the only two people representing our program at a conference, and not even sit together during lunch. It's in how K insinuates that every minor glitch (ie a paper missing) is due to me losing it without questioning if she was actually the one who misplaced it. Likewise, the strained relationship is in in how I try to stay in my classroom as long as I can before having to go to the office (where she is). It's in how I don't contribute in her meetings anymore. It's in how I show apathy to her new ideas.
It's no secret that a lot of things about K bother me. It REALLY bothers me that someone (who is more than twice my age and senior in position) cannot muster the decency to say hello first at least half the time. It bothers me that I know a lot of basic facts about her as a product of polite conversation questioning, and she does not know a single fact about me beyond my name and that I went to school somewhere in northern CA. It bothers me that she speaks in a demeaning tone to parents ("You ARE aware that the pickup time is at 5:30, right?"), and talks down about the custodian ("He's not used to people speaking in a soft, professional tone to him. That's why he yells."). It bothers me that her idea of leadership is referring back to scribbled notes from months past and saying "I've written down here that we discussed this matter, therefore I don't understand why you guys aren't acting accordingly."
For K, who is a champion advocate of "respecting our professionalism," I have never felt this disrespected in any work situation, ever.
But it wasn't always like this. Earlier, there was a time when I willingly worked extra at home, created and bought extra teaching materials, donated books and other supplies. Likewise, there was a time when K would (*gasp*) call me in the evening and ask if I was okay, if it seemed like I was having an off day. All of us worked together and turned the dysfunctional program into one that set the standard for the other 11 schools to follow.
What happened?
Part 1: The backdrop
K and I have a fairly strained relationship. Funny thing is, in actuality, there isn't even that much time to strain the relationship. But in the little time we have together, it's evident. It's in how K never looks me in the eye, or really at all, when we have meetings. It's in how K never says hello or goodbye (unless I initiate it) when we arrive and depart from work, or asks how I'm doing or how the weekend was. It's in how we can walk down an entire school corridor together without exchanging a word. It's in how we can be the only two people representing our program at a conference, and not even sit together during lunch. It's in how K insinuates that every minor glitch (ie a paper missing) is due to me losing it without questioning if she was actually the one who misplaced it. Likewise, the strained relationship is in in how I try to stay in my classroom as long as I can before having to go to the office (where she is). It's in how I don't contribute in her meetings anymore. It's in how I show apathy to her new ideas.
It's no secret that a lot of things about K bother me. It REALLY bothers me that someone (who is more than twice my age and senior in position) cannot muster the decency to say hello first at least half the time. It bothers me that I know a lot of basic facts about her as a product of polite conversation questioning, and she does not know a single fact about me beyond my name and that I went to school somewhere in northern CA. It bothers me that she speaks in a demeaning tone to parents ("You ARE aware that the pickup time is at 5:30, right?"), and talks down about the custodian ("He's not used to people speaking in a soft, professional tone to him. That's why he yells."). It bothers me that her idea of leadership is referring back to scribbled notes from months past and saying "I've written down here that we discussed this matter, therefore I don't understand why you guys aren't acting accordingly."
For K, who is a champion advocate of "respecting our professionalism," I have never felt this disrespected in any work situation, ever.
But it wasn't always like this. Earlier, there was a time when I willingly worked extra at home, created and bought extra teaching materials, donated books and other supplies. Likewise, there was a time when K would (*gasp*) call me in the evening and ask if I was okay, if it seemed like I was having an off day. All of us worked together and turned the dysfunctional program into one that set the standard for the other 11 schools to follow.
What happened?
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Career lecture #38370
So I was able to see your 50 missed calls, Tammy, after having yet another heated night long discussion with my mother on the subject of career commitment.
While our champion Pentathler Danielle Lee didn't know much about Young Fu's plight in precommunist China, she certainly knew how to ask a relevant question that plagues many young Asians living in America today: "will it ever end?"
"Will it ever end?" Will the relentless pursuit to be on the competitive edge ever be over? Will the illogical pursuit of superficial success be put to a stop? Will the individual ever be given the time and space he/she deserves to fully actualize his/her being?
I don't doubt that my mother, as with any well intentioned mother, means well and places some excellent points on the table. But somehow, the meaning gets lost in the message. Time and time again.
Let's recap. M(other) feels like D(aughter) has 1. wasted a year by not engaging in any of the following: (a.) applying back to school (b.) taken vocational classes to neutralize her unemployable humanities degree (c.) worked full time (d.) taken initiative in learning the language of her homeland (e.) figured out her short term career/life plans in general.
D retorts points A, B, C, D, and E, respectively, by saying that she (a.) is not academically and financially ready to go back to school (b.) does not function like a machine where routine upgrades are conducted to maintain itself as a market commodity (c.) did try for over a year but we all know the story there (d.) will in the future but current preparations to leave for a Kosrean speaking nation may indicate now is not the most optimal time to being learning an Asian language (e.) does spend a significant amount of time thinking about careers, but it's a process in the making and cannot be done overnight if one is to do it thoroughly.
I give my mother fair representation on this, and I realize that her points are ultimately stronger in this drawn out argument that has come full circle in many multiple not-so-merry-go-round times. Yeah, I should have thought this out a little bit more. Yeah, I am in the wrong for not doing more. At best, my rebuttals have been a borderline excuse for inaction and a roadblock to progress.
The issue I have with my mother is not what she puts on the table, but the manner she lays it out and the way I am expected to react to it. This may be career lecture #38370, but it's really just an addendum to the J.D.I.O.B.A.F.I.L lecture series: Just Do It Or Be A Failure In Life.
The JDIOBAFIL lectures commence when the free spirited child/insolent teenager/embarrassed adult refuses to participate in enriching activities for whatever reason: she doesn't like it, she finds it disengaging, her interests lie elsewhere, time is of the essence. It's a shame that perfectly logical parents can fall so easily to the rat race of success and attempt to impose a top-down approach to upgrade their child. While the subject nature of the lectures change, they will always include clutch phrases and terms such as "falling behind", "waste of an education", "disappointing behavior", and of course, in true Asian fashion, multiple comparisons to other parent's (seemingly unnaturally successful) children.
When all is said and done, I believe we all want the same things: happiness, love, a peaceful society, a fruitful life in serving others. But the battle in getting there is like the Republicans vs. Democrats: two very different approaches in solving the same old problems.
My platform:
1. Promote understanding and not fear. Instead of employing scare tactics, parents should at least try understand the issues that could inhibit the individual from doing what they suggest.
2. Misery does not breed love/fulfillment in life. Misery breeds misery. Hard work does not have to be a miserable process. If it is backed with an passion or strong interest, it could be satisfying, gratifying, and worthwhile. Does passion, or did passion ever in the history of mankind, derive itself from feelings of inadequacy and threat? No. Therefore, like an LSAT analytical reasoning question, the premises support the conclusion that the promotion of threat and insinuations of inadequate behavior will not lead to hard work that is satisfying.
3. Recognize the difference between being stern and being damaging. Parents do have a responsibility to parent (I would be worried otherwise), but going overboard is just as bad as missing the ship. To be fair, kids need to meet them halfway and not be lazy bums. But at a certain point, you just have to let it go and let kids come into their own. Allow room for exploration, for success, for failure, for growth.
While our champion Pentathler Danielle Lee didn't know much about Young Fu's plight in precommunist China, she certainly knew how to ask a relevant question that plagues many young Asians living in America today: "will it ever end?"
"Will it ever end?" Will the relentless pursuit to be on the competitive edge ever be over? Will the illogical pursuit of superficial success be put to a stop? Will the individual ever be given the time and space he/she deserves to fully actualize his/her being?
I don't doubt that my mother, as with any well intentioned mother, means well and places some excellent points on the table. But somehow, the meaning gets lost in the message. Time and time again.
Let's recap. M(other) feels like D(aughter) has 1. wasted a year by not engaging in any of the following: (a.) applying back to school (b.) taken vocational classes to neutralize her unemployable humanities degree (c.) worked full time (d.) taken initiative in learning the language of her homeland (e.) figured out her short term career/life plans in general.
D retorts points A, B, C, D, and E, respectively, by saying that she (a.) is not academically and financially ready to go back to school (b.) does not function like a machine where routine upgrades are conducted to maintain itself as a market commodity (c.) did try for over a year but we all know the story there (d.) will in the future but current preparations to leave for a Kosrean speaking nation may indicate now is not the most optimal time to being learning an Asian language (e.) does spend a significant amount of time thinking about careers, but it's a process in the making and cannot be done overnight if one is to do it thoroughly.
I give my mother fair representation on this, and I realize that her points are ultimately stronger in this drawn out argument that has come full circle in many multiple not-so-merry-go-round times. Yeah, I should have thought this out a little bit more. Yeah, I am in the wrong for not doing more. At best, my rebuttals have been a borderline excuse for inaction and a roadblock to progress.
The issue I have with my mother is not what she puts on the table, but the manner she lays it out and the way I am expected to react to it. This may be career lecture #38370, but it's really just an addendum to the J.D.I.O.B.A.F.I.L lecture series: Just Do It Or Be A Failure In Life.
The JDIOBAFIL lectures commence when the free spirited child/insolent teenager/embarrassed adult refuses to participate in enriching activities for whatever reason: she doesn't like it, she finds it disengaging, her interests lie elsewhere, time is of the essence. It's a shame that perfectly logical parents can fall so easily to the rat race of success and attempt to impose a top-down approach to upgrade their child. While the subject nature of the lectures change, they will always include clutch phrases and terms such as "falling behind", "waste of an education", "disappointing behavior", and of course, in true Asian fashion, multiple comparisons to other parent's (seemingly unnaturally successful) children.
When all is said and done, I believe we all want the same things: happiness, love, a peaceful society, a fruitful life in serving others. But the battle in getting there is like the Republicans vs. Democrats: two very different approaches in solving the same old problems.
My platform:
1. Promote understanding and not fear. Instead of employing scare tactics, parents should at least try understand the issues that could inhibit the individual from doing what they suggest.
2. Misery does not breed love/fulfillment in life. Misery breeds misery. Hard work does not have to be a miserable process. If it is backed with an passion or strong interest, it could be satisfying, gratifying, and worthwhile. Does passion, or did passion ever in the history of mankind, derive itself from feelings of inadequacy and threat? No. Therefore, like an LSAT analytical reasoning question, the premises support the conclusion that the promotion of threat and insinuations of inadequate behavior will not lead to hard work that is satisfying.
3. Recognize the difference between being stern and being damaging. Parents do have a responsibility to parent (I would be worried otherwise), but going overboard is just as bad as missing the ship. To be fair, kids need to meet them halfway and not be lazy bums. But at a certain point, you just have to let it go and let kids come into their own. Allow room for exploration, for success, for failure, for growth.
Monday, June 01, 2009
June 1st
Today is June 1st.
June 17th will be a day of fireworks in the sky and champagne corks flying over the bridge. As bad as it is to say this (especially during this economy), June 17th will be the day I leave my job and dance off into eternal happiness (that is figuratively speaking; realistically, probably celebrate and be in joyful state of mind for a very, very long time).
Truth be told, I have never been this happy to quit a job. Even the end of summer '04, after donning a hideous neon green vest and wide leg pants at Knotts, wrapping Christmas ornaments, organizing stuffed animals, and retrieving over priced cowboy boots for people who are crazy enough to wear that stuff will not have produced the same amount of good riddance endorphins as this upcoming June 17th will. I know it.
As much as I am a chief complainer about the train wreck that I deal with everyday that are "push" factors pushing me away from ever wanting to get within a 5 mile radius of that elementary school, I would actually say that a good 65% of my expected happiness are the pull factors: primarily what the future- both far and immediate- beholds.
I haven't figured out how to write it, what to include, or how to organize it (thematically? chronologically?), but the next few blogs will be reflections of this past year spent at the local school, and maybe reflections of this year in general.
June 17th will be a day of fireworks in the sky and champagne corks flying over the bridge. As bad as it is to say this (especially during this economy), June 17th will be the day I leave my job and dance off into eternal happiness (that is figuratively speaking; realistically, probably celebrate and be in joyful state of mind for a very, very long time).
Truth be told, I have never been this happy to quit a job. Even the end of summer '04, after donning a hideous neon green vest and wide leg pants at Knotts, wrapping Christmas ornaments, organizing stuffed animals, and retrieving over priced cowboy boots for people who are crazy enough to wear that stuff will not have produced the same amount of good riddance endorphins as this upcoming June 17th will. I know it.
As much as I am a chief complainer about the train wreck that I deal with everyday that are "push" factors pushing me away from ever wanting to get within a 5 mile radius of that elementary school, I would actually say that a good 65% of my expected happiness are the pull factors: primarily what the future- both far and immediate- beholds.
I haven't figured out how to write it, what to include, or how to organize it (thematically? chronologically?), but the next few blogs will be reflections of this past year spent at the local school, and maybe reflections of this year in general.
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